Your palms get sweaty. If you want to make a better marriage, you have to make a better you. Here Are 5 Signs It’s Time to Hire a Dating Coach, 10 Tips to Get to ‘I Do’ in a Long-Distance Relationship, The Best Products for Pleasure (With or Without a Partner), The Surprising Truths About Menopause and the Effects on Your Mental Health, Removing Relationships From My Life Was the Best Thing I Could Do for My Marriage, Master P and Son Romeo Miller on Building Generational Wealth, Now is the Time: Following Your Dreams During a Pandemic, Giving Birth at 45: My Pregnancy Journey to the Finish Line, Why Birth Stories From Black Women Matter, Our Rainbow After the Storm: Giving Birth After the Loss of Our Baby Girl, How to Find Black Love, Because You’re Worth It, Sex, Laughs and Lasting Love at the 2019 Black Love Summit, LeToya Luckett Talks Marriage, Prayer and Therapy, ‘Black Love’ Wives Talk Overwhelm, Sex, and the Perfection Myth, How I Learned the Secret Benefits of Submission, An Invitation to the Gentleman’s Club: The Black Love Summit Husbands Panel, Balancing the Juggling Act of Love, Marriage and Kids. Be sure to check out more stories from the 2019 Black Love Summit. When you interrupt your partner, you are listening to respond rather than to understand, according to the therapist. We make up our own rules and get totally pissed off if our partner isn’t following the rules we’ve created in our head. In this state, the blood begins to leave the part of your brain that regulates emotional control, explains the therapist, and you become flooded with distress. You’re not fixing the problems,” he says. “‘And when I am finished I will hand it to you.’”. Don’t fear conflict — avoiding conflict is very unhealthy! “We get in a flooded state where you’re moving into this fight or flight,” says Caston. Attack the issue, not each other — remember you’re on the same team! Julie Compton is a freelance journalist in Brooklyn, New York. Learning how to engage your partner is rule #2. But maintaining control during an argument is crucial to fighting fair, insists Caston. Then I was like, but girl, he’s on YOUR team!”. Sometimes we have to rewrite the rules, and that’s rule #4. “I think all the past trauma that we’ve been trying to escape from came right at our doorstep,” Caston tells NBC News BETTER. Both Casey and Meygan’s parents had divorced and remarried multiple times, he explains. For Quincy, who’s been with his partner Deondray for 23 years, this is still a work in progress, as he very transparently admitted, “I’m still learning how to fight fair.”. See, there are rules to love, and learning how to fight fair is probably the #1 rule in the book. Laughing at Yourself. Be open about what you need — your partner is not a mind reader, Stay away from “you never” and “you always”, Be curious — ask questions and show you care about how your partner feels, Remember that nobody is perfect — not your significant other and not you, If you’re going around in circles, take a break. “It’s just a very tactile symbol for you to have in front of you to remember and remind both of you: ‘When I communicate, I’m the one talking because I have the microphone,’” he says. From there, the argument quickly spirals into name calling, criticizing, and using aggressive language, he says. For Quincy, who’s been with his partner Deondray for 23 years, this is still a work in progress, as he very transparently admitted, “I’m still learning how to fight fair.” At that, we all felt a sigh of relief. If, after 23 years in a committed relationship, you’re still learning how to communicate and not hit under the belt with words … “It’s transformed our relationship,” says Caston. For some, the Fireside Chat: Communications 101 panel at the 2019 Black Love Summit with moderator Jasmine Nicole and married couples Mattie and Chris James, as well as Quincy and Deondray Gossfield, was a refresher course on how to effectively communicate with your partner. When couples begin to criticize each other, they are no longer arguing constructively, Caston explains. It’s often the easiest way to resolve a conflict, he explains, but for many people, it’s the hardest thing to do. Want more tips like these? Conflict is inevitable in any relationship. “Once you’re flooded you literally don’t have the capacity to handle it successfully,” he says. We, therefore, learn how to communicate with our environment. Caston says couples will often bring up their partner’s past transgressions as a way to attack him or her during an argument.

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